...such a dirty word.

Fibromyalgia. 

...such a dirty word.

I'm in a small state of panic right now from the uncertainty of tomorrow. I meet with my new doctor tomorrow at 3pm. I get to discuss my pain... aches... stabs... depression... anxiety... never ending fatigue... so many things. I have a small support system that I am so incredibly thankful for, but there are still days I feel alone in this fight. I feel guilty for even saying that, though. This isn't a statement directed at anyone personally. No one can actually feel my pain. No one can truly understand when I have to stop in the middle of a sentence and close my eyes to contain the sharp pain I just felt shoot through my body. Any time that happens, everyone stops what they're doing and awkwardly stares at me until I open my eyes again and assure them I'm fine. I'm never fine, but it's what they want to hear... and it takes the attention off of me and my pain. Being silently watched while I'm experiencing the assault my body is bearing makes the situation that much more difficult. Please, don't treat me differently because of my pain.

I have days where I simply can't pick up my beautiful 3 year old boy. My heart breaks about a million times on those days... and when I cry, he crawls in my lap, very gently puts his hands on my cheeks, says, "Momma..." and wipes away my tears. My little boy... he's the definition of love. He gives me the strength I often lack. He knows what I need, even when I don't know what I need. 

I'm truly blessed.

I often find myself lost in fear when I read each of my "symptoms" listed on each site. My body starts to ache uncontrollably when I'm under the stress of talking to someone that has Fibromyalgia and can so perfectly relate to my every day life. I suppose knowing what the problem is for sure will help me conquer it, but this anxiety is haunting me for the time being. 

Stressed...

Afraid...

Uncertain...

Fuck.

On Saturday I go to orientation for my new job. I'm relieved to have another income, but I think about working 5... 6 hour days... or even 8 hour days and I want to cry. I know the pain I'll be in by the end of the day. I know the 4 hour orientation is going to make me want to curl into a ball and sob uncontrollably. 

This isn't fair.

I hate this.

Pain,

Pain,

Go away.

My thoughts are scattered. I have so many things to say, yet my body lacks the energy to formulate the words. As soon as the thought forms, it sneaks away like a thief in the night. How frustrating. No. How INFURIATING!!! 

How sweet it would be to write poetry...

Delve into my innermost thoughts and feelings...

Explore the depths of my soul...

Sing sweet songs of the enchanting parts of life.

As I struggle to express myself accurately, rage fills me...

Those beautiful words that speak to my soul...

Torn into a million pieces. 

Unable to be reassembled... 

A broken puzzle piece looking for it's mate...

It wins... again. 

Emotional Vampire...

You stopped by unannounced.
I'll never understand that.

As soon as I see you, you make a snide remark about the amount that was spent on Jackson's birthday present. When I explain the situation and you see there's no room to argue, you immediately turn it around so it sounds like I'm taking advantage of them. I then explain that, which is just ridiculous for me to have to do, and you turn it into a complaint about my husband and I helping someone out who needs love and compassion in their lives right now. When I tell you I'm fine with the situation and explain that it isn't worth your concern, you give me a nasty look, back up, and glare at me until I'm out of sight. 

In the middle of this, he makes a comment about how he would kiss me, but you would get jealous.

It just hit me.

You're miserable.

Misery loves company, which is why you do your best to bring me down each time you have any contact with me. Maybe it's a blessing that you're too busy all the time. Maybe I shouldn't beg for your attention. Things happen for a reason, right?

I will not give you power over my life.

I'm happy.
I'm secure.
I'm loved. 

I have an incredibly healthy relationship with my husband. My child is the most precious part of my life. I experience joy every day... and that joy isn't contingent on your idea of what is and isn't right. You no longer have the power to make me feel guilt for any decision I have or haven't made. I am a wonderful person and that kills you inside. I'm the example of what you could have been. 

I hate that you're unhappy.
...but I will not let you ruin my happiness.

Alone in my pain...

If anyone would have told me I would be in this much pain at the age of 28, I would've laughed in their face. I would've been wrong. 

I have had 6 major surgeries since 2007, I have been in one major car accident in 2012, and I have had multiple months of physical therapy after said accident, along with 2 of my 6 major surgeries, which were a direct result of the other driver's negligence. I have metal in my back and my shoulder, I have an artificial disc in my neck, and I have pain that courses through my body daily. 

I like to think of myself as a fairly strong person. If there's a problem, I'm the person to go to... I'm quick, I'm efficient, and I know what I'm talking about. I'm great in a crisis and I am a take charge kind of person. I'm also one of the kindest people you'll ever meet. I'm honest to a fault and incredibly compassionate. I care too much and I'd do anything for anyone. All of these things equal one hell of a woman with one hell of a backbone and shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world. My one weakness in this life... my kryptonite... pain. 

Pain. 

What an ugly word.

Pain is essential. 

Pain is necessary.

Pain is certain. 

Pain is part of life.

It's only pain, after all. 

Since my accident in 2012, my body has gone through a lot of trauma. I have endured months of physical therapy and 2 major surgeries... all starting 7 months after having my son. I am 28 years old and I am in so much pain some mornings that it is difficult for me to get out of bed. On particularly bad pain days, my husband actually has to help me stand up from a sitting position on the couch or I just wouldn't be able to make it. My precious (almost) 3 year old boy wants mommy to get on the floor with him and build train tracks... and I can't. I have gone an entire month without holding my son, because of this accident. An entire month. I am a mother. I spent many of those nights crying. 

Now, after I feel like I could possibly heal from everything, this pain that I chalked up to "normal post surgery pain" just isn't going away. In fact, some days, it feels like it has crippled me. I ache... the ache goes deep in my muscles and sometimes feels like it radiates to my bones... almost like the ache you get when you have the flu. I get headaches that are debilitating. I can't sleep at night anymore... I'm constantly tired. It doesn't matter how much or how little sleep I get, I'm exhausted. I can feel fine one minute, then be on my ass because my pain hits me like a semi-truck on steroids. I can do something simple like walk around a grocery store and be so tired after that I can sleep for hours, but believe me when I say my body makes me pay for being in bed for more than a few hours. I've also developed a severe anxiety. I feel like no one believes me and no one truly understands. I feel like maybe I'm crazy and being dramatic, then my back will lock up and my entire body will tense up, leading to incredible pain... and I know it isn't an over exaggeration. 

I hate talking about my pain. 

I hate being in pain. 

I hate pain.

I finally said, "That's enough."

I went to my orthopedic surgeon, who worked on my shoulder, and spoke with him last Tuesday. Tears started streaming down my flushed cheeks as I gushed about my pain. I explained how my pain is deep and constant. I told him about my fatigue and anxiety. I told him everything. He told me he thinks I'm depressed and anxious, because I've been in pain for 2 1/2 years and I've been dealing with it on my own. No one to relate to. No one to confide in that I feel truly understands. No medications to help. Nothing to make coping any easier. I have an amazing support group between my family and friends, but I still feel so alone in my pain at times. My doctor wants me to go to a pain management specialist (I've been multiple times before and gotten many cortisone shots, which I don't want to deal with anymore... they never help. They only leave a sore spot, which increases my pain. Go figure.), he wants me to go back to physical therapy, and he wants me to talk to someone about my depression and anxiety.

I feel like giving up...

Just accepting my pain ridden fate.

I won't give up... 

I won't give in... 

but the idea is so seductive sometimes...

They're saying Fibromyalgia.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?

"I'm never too busy for you..."

I've started this particular post a few different times and I've tried approaching it a handful of ways. I'm usually fairly elegant with my words and blah, blah, blah, but I find I have the most trouble expressing myself when it comes to something that I feel deeply. I get jumbled, because I feel every feeling with every fiber of my being. I am intense and I am strong... and it's so incredibly difficult to expose my vulnerabilities. What if you hurt me? What if you laugh? ...or worse: What if you pity me? 

When I was a little girl, I would call my grandpa, Bumpa, whenever my little heart desired and we would talk about anything and everything. When he would answer, I would say hi, then ask him if he was busy. He never failed in saying, "I'm never too busy for you, baby." As a child, that is one of the greatest things you could have ever been told. I am so important to my Bumpa that he will NEVER be too busy for me. There is nothing he wouldn't put on hold just because I spontaneously called him. 

I didn't understand the security that gave me until I became an adult. 

When I had Jackson, my soon to be three year old son, I was so incredibly excited that my baby would have that kind of precious relationship with my mother. My mother always told me how beautiful my relationship was with my Bumpa and how valuable it was. I knew she would want that exact same relationship with my son. She understood the importance of it for both parties, she must have wanted that with my Jackson, as well.

Well, I don't think she doesn't want it intentionally, anyway.
Just like I never expected her to not want a real relationship with me.

I've tried to explain how she makes me feel on numerous occasions, but she's so focused on being right that she can't open her ears to truly hear me. She listens enough to form a retort, then she shuts herself off and, if you're lucky, waits until you're done talking to prove how you're wrong. It's exhausting. I've recognized that I have a habit of doing that and I've actively worked on myself and my response to situations to avoid being that person. I can't just say, "I'm not placing any blame on you, but I'm hurt by your lack of involvement in my life. How can we fix this?" If I say that, I'm made out to be a "raging bitch". 

Everyone tells me to let up on how I feel because she has a list of "mental illnesses", but I'm so tired of that being her comfortable excuse. If you know you're someone with problems, wouldn't you want to work on not letting it get the best of you? Wouldn't you do what you needed to do to make a situation better instead of adding fuel to the fire? 

Each time she is exasperated because she doesn't want to deal with me, I feel like walking away. Each time she gets shitty with me for no reason, I feel like giving up. Each time she'd rather be doing something frivolous rather than speak with me, even for a 5 minute period, I feel like I'm just not that important.

She doesn't hear me when I speak. 
She blocks me out.

She doesn't want to deal with me when I'm around.
She only asks when I'm going to leave.

She doesn't want to be alone with my child.
If she is, she asks when he's getting there and when he's leaving.

There's no real value placed on me anymore... and I'm getting to the point where I'm going to have to protect myself from the pain I'm suffering because of her. 

I miss her and she doesn't care.

I know that she will be older one day and she will retire. Her life will no longer be too busy for me or Jackson. She will want me in her life and she will want my child(ren) in her life. She will want us. Will we have time for her, though? Is she going to push me away so often that I don't want to try anymore? It's a very real possibility and it's a very real part of my thought process. Is Jackson going to want to be around his grandparents when he's older? Realistically speaking, no he won't... no teenager seeks out a relationship with a grandparent, unless the foundation for the relationship is laid out while the child is still a baby. It's just how it works. Why can't she see this? 

I love myself too much...

Things in my life have been difficult for me. I feel like a nest of emotional vampires have been feeding on me each night for the last month or so.

Since March, I have had 6 people that I know pass away. Some of these people I intimately knew and some I knew of, because of the roll they played in close friends lives. All of them impacted me in some way and each death weighed on my heart tremendously. That is emotionally draining by itself and it breaks me down a little more each time. It's funny how much you think about someone when you know you'll never see them again...

About a month ago, I had an encounter with a very nasty drunk. He cursed at my son and belittled my husband. He tested our foundation and tried to shake us as deeply as he could. He immediately became someone I could no longer trust. He hurt me with his words... even if Jackson didn't understand what was being said or Matt didn't hear every word spoken, he hurt me. He attacked my family. He lost his credibility in every way possible. That relationship will never be the same.

Not long after that, my ex, who is an incredibly sad alcoholic, decided to get smashed again. So many things happened... so many things I just don't want to recall right now. The long and short of that situation is that he and I are no longer speaking in any fashion and that won't change. He devalued me and violated me in the most deeply emotional way. He screamed at me and verbally abused me. He was vicious and those wounds are still gaping open, unable to heal. I keep putting that one on the back burner. That hurt deeply... and killed a little bit of the faith I still had in humanity.

A week and a half ago, I received a message from someone I'm very close to, saying his significant other betrayed him in the worst way possible. He immediately moved in with us and has been on an emotional roller coaster from hell. He finally separated himself from the whole situation and her friends continued to harass him and they started harassing me, as well. Pathetic children. Exactly a week after finding out about the betrayal, he was served with paperwork with false accusations written all over it from her. She is looking for as much sympathy and pity as possible so she can, hopefully, look as innocent as possible. It's just one more thing to deal with. There is a team of people on his side, but it's still one more thing. 

On top of everything else, I have a doctor's appointment with my doctor to discuss the possibility of having Fibromyalgia. I'm in so much pain all the time... I just ache. My back is constantly in pain - not achy, as much as it's a deep pain that never quite fully subsides. I hate talking about my pain. I HATE IT. I feel like it's me admitting my deepest, darkest weakness... and I have a very difficult time letting my guard down enough to be that vulnerable. Especially when someone is going to try to prove that my pain is just bullshit. Live one day in my body and you'll never call bullshit again...

I've had to make multiple decisions that have impacted my life in various ways. I'm healthier for the decisions I've made to walk away. I'm more secure knowing my family is safe and all together. I'm still healing from the bumps, bruises, scrapes, and gaping wounds I've gotten along the way. This part of my life shall pass, but damn it... when is it going to let up? It's just so much... and I'm just so tired. 

It's time to start loving myself more than everyone else has been loving me lately... outside influences are no longer allowed to have that much power over my life. I love myself too much.

Toxic Anger

Anger... 
Rage...
Chaos...

Strong... 
Toxic...
Seductive...

I'll never understand why someone would do something they know would rip someone's heart out, then once the deed is done and you see the person suffering, the offending party continues to stomp on that barely beating heart. Where is the appeal in that? Why did people turned into these heartless, soulless creatures? 

My son is being raised in this world... this toxic, anger driven, fear ridden world... and it scares the shit out of me. I can't even begin to think of the way things will be when he's my age without a chill traveling up my spine. I then think about how these sweet, innocent children turn into these heartless bastards. How did that happen? When did things become so flawed and inconsiderate? What happened to people wanting the best for their fellow man? 

It seems anger is the only emotion one truly takes pride in anymore.

Lusting after blood...
Craving pure fury...
Seeking total destruction...

Toxic anger.