"I'm never too busy for you..."

I've started this particular post a few different times and I've tried approaching it a handful of ways. I'm usually fairly elegant with my words and blah, blah, blah, but I find I have the most trouble expressing myself when it comes to something that I feel deeply. I get jumbled, because I feel every feeling with every fiber of my being. I am intense and I am strong... and it's so incredibly difficult to expose my vulnerabilities. What if you hurt me? What if you laugh? ...or worse: What if you pity me? 

When I was a little girl, I would call my grandpa, Bumpa, whenever my little heart desired and we would talk about anything and everything. When he would answer, I would say hi, then ask him if he was busy. He never failed in saying, "I'm never too busy for you, baby." As a child, that is one of the greatest things you could have ever been told. I am so important to my Bumpa that he will NEVER be too busy for me. There is nothing he wouldn't put on hold just because I spontaneously called him. 

I didn't understand the security that gave me until I became an adult. 

When I had Jackson, my soon to be three year old son, I was so incredibly excited that my baby would have that kind of precious relationship with my mother. My mother always told me how beautiful my relationship was with my Bumpa and how valuable it was. I knew she would want that exact same relationship with my son. She understood the importance of it for both parties, she must have wanted that with my Jackson, as well.

Well, I don't think she doesn't want it intentionally, anyway.
Just like I never expected her to not want a real relationship with me.

I've tried to explain how she makes me feel on numerous occasions, but she's so focused on being right that she can't open her ears to truly hear me. She listens enough to form a retort, then she shuts herself off and, if you're lucky, waits until you're done talking to prove how you're wrong. It's exhausting. I've recognized that I have a habit of doing that and I've actively worked on myself and my response to situations to avoid being that person. I can't just say, "I'm not placing any blame on you, but I'm hurt by your lack of involvement in my life. How can we fix this?" If I say that, I'm made out to be a "raging bitch". 

Everyone tells me to let up on how I feel because she has a list of "mental illnesses", but I'm so tired of that being her comfortable excuse. If you know you're someone with problems, wouldn't you want to work on not letting it get the best of you? Wouldn't you do what you needed to do to make a situation better instead of adding fuel to the fire? 

Each time she is exasperated because she doesn't want to deal with me, I feel like walking away. Each time she gets shitty with me for no reason, I feel like giving up. Each time she'd rather be doing something frivolous rather than speak with me, even for a 5 minute period, I feel like I'm just not that important.

She doesn't hear me when I speak. 
She blocks me out.

She doesn't want to deal with me when I'm around.
She only asks when I'm going to leave.

She doesn't want to be alone with my child.
If she is, she asks when he's getting there and when he's leaving.

There's no real value placed on me anymore... and I'm getting to the point where I'm going to have to protect myself from the pain I'm suffering because of her. 

I miss her and she doesn't care.

I know that she will be older one day and she will retire. Her life will no longer be too busy for me or Jackson. She will want me in her life and she will want my child(ren) in her life. She will want us. Will we have time for her, though? Is she going to push me away so often that I don't want to try anymore? It's a very real possibility and it's a very real part of my thought process. Is Jackson going to want to be around his grandparents when he's older? Realistically speaking, no he won't... no teenager seeks out a relationship with a grandparent, unless the foundation for the relationship is laid out while the child is still a baby. It's just how it works. Why can't she see this?