Since March, I have had 6 people that I know pass away. Some of these people I intimately knew and some I knew of, because of the roll they played in close friends lives. All of them impacted me in some way and each death weighed on my heart tremendously. That is emotionally draining by itself and it breaks me down a little more each time. It's funny how much you think about someone when you know you'll never see them again...
About a month ago, I had an encounter with a very nasty drunk. He cursed at my son and belittled my husband. He tested our foundation and tried to shake us as deeply as he could. He immediately became someone I could no longer trust. He hurt me with his words... even if Jackson didn't understand what was being said or Matt didn't hear every word spoken, he hurt me. He attacked my family. He lost his credibility in every way possible. That relationship will never be the same.
Not long after that, my ex, who is an incredibly sad alcoholic, decided to get smashed again. So many things happened... so many things I just don't want to recall right now. The long and short of that situation is that he and I are no longer speaking in any fashion and that won't change. He devalued me and violated me in the most deeply emotional way. He screamed at me and verbally abused me. He was vicious and those wounds are still gaping open, unable to heal. I keep putting that one on the back burner. That hurt deeply... and killed a little bit of the faith I still had in humanity.
A week and a half ago, I received a message from someone I'm very close to, saying his significant other betrayed him in the worst way possible. He immediately moved in with us and has been on an emotional roller coaster from hell. He finally separated himself from the whole situation and her friends continued to harass him and they started harassing me, as well. Pathetic children. Exactly a week after finding out about the betrayal, he was served with paperwork with false accusations written all over it from her. She is looking for as much sympathy and pity as possible so she can, hopefully, look as innocent as possible. It's just one more thing to deal with. There is a team of people on his side, but it's still one more thing.
On top of everything else, I have a doctor's appointment with my doctor to discuss the possibility of having Fibromyalgia. I'm in so much pain all the time... I just ache. My back is constantly in pain - not achy, as much as it's a deep pain that never quite fully subsides. I hate talking about my pain. I HATE IT. I feel like it's me admitting my deepest, darkest weakness... and I have a very difficult time letting my guard down enough to be that vulnerable. Especially when someone is going to try to prove that my pain is just bullshit. Live one day in my body and you'll never call bullshit again...
I've had to make multiple decisions that have impacted my life in various ways. I'm healthier for the decisions I've made to walk away. I'm more secure knowing my family is safe and all together. I'm still healing from the bumps, bruises, scrapes, and gaping wounds I've gotten along the way. This part of my life shall pass, but damn it... when is it going to let up? It's just so much... and I'm just so tired.
It's time to start loving myself more than everyone else has been loving me lately... outside influences are no longer allowed to have that much power over my life. I love myself too much.
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