I have had 6 major surgeries since 2007, I have been in one major car accident in 2012, and I have had multiple months of physical therapy after said accident, along with 2 of my 6 major surgeries, which were a direct result of the other driver's negligence. I have metal in my back and my shoulder, I have an artificial disc in my neck, and I have pain that courses through my body daily.
I like to think of myself as a fairly strong person. If there's a problem, I'm the person to go to... I'm quick, I'm efficient, and I know what I'm talking about. I'm great in a crisis and I am a take charge kind of person. I'm also one of the kindest people you'll ever meet. I'm honest to a fault and incredibly compassionate. I care too much and I'd do anything for anyone. All of these things equal one hell of a woman with one hell of a backbone and shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world. My one weakness in this life... my kryptonite... pain.
Pain.
What an ugly word.
Pain is essential.
Pain is necessary.
Pain is certain.
Pain is part of life.
It's only pain, after all.
Since my accident in 2012, my body has gone through a lot of trauma. I have endured months of physical therapy and 2 major surgeries... all starting 7 months after having my son. I am 28 years old and I am in so much pain some mornings that it is difficult for me to get out of bed. On particularly bad pain days, my husband actually has to help me stand up from a sitting position on the couch or I just wouldn't be able to make it. My precious (almost) 3 year old boy wants mommy to get on the floor with him and build train tracks... and I can't. I have gone an entire month without holding my son, because of this accident. An entire month. I am a mother. I spent many of those nights crying.
Now, after I feel like I could possibly heal from everything, this pain that I chalked up to "normal post surgery pain" just isn't going away. In fact, some days, it feels like it has crippled me. I ache... the ache goes deep in my muscles and sometimes feels like it radiates to my bones... almost like the ache you get when you have the flu. I get headaches that are debilitating. I can't sleep at night anymore... I'm constantly tired. It doesn't matter how much or how little sleep I get, I'm exhausted. I can feel fine one minute, then be on my ass because my pain hits me like a semi-truck on steroids. I can do something simple like walk around a grocery store and be so tired after that I can sleep for hours, but believe me when I say my body makes me pay for being in bed for more than a few hours. I've also developed a severe anxiety. I feel like no one believes me and no one truly understands. I feel like maybe I'm crazy and being dramatic, then my back will lock up and my entire body will tense up, leading to incredible pain... and I know it isn't an over exaggeration.
I hate talking about my pain.
I hate being in pain.
I hate pain.
I finally said, "That's enough."
I went to my orthopedic surgeon, who worked on my shoulder, and spoke with him last Tuesday. Tears started streaming down my flushed cheeks as I gushed about my pain. I explained how my pain is deep and constant. I told him about my fatigue and anxiety. I told him everything. He told me he thinks I'm depressed and anxious, because I've been in pain for 2 1/2 years and I've been dealing with it on my own. No one to relate to. No one to confide in that I feel truly understands. No medications to help. Nothing to make coping any easier. I have an amazing support group between my family and friends, but I still feel so alone in my pain at times. My doctor wants me to go to a pain management specialist (I've been multiple times before and gotten many cortisone shots, which I don't want to deal with anymore... they never help. They only leave a sore spot, which increases my pain. Go figure.), he wants me to go back to physical therapy, and he wants me to talk to someone about my depression and anxiety.
I feel like giving up...
Just accepting my pain ridden fate.
I won't give up...
I won't give in...
but the idea is so seductive sometimes...
They're saying Fibromyalgia.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?
3 comments:
Yep, in life, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger BUT,,,, hey life,,, you can stop trying now, it's not a competition and we get the picture!!!
With everything going on with your mom I'd definitely say it wouldn't hurt to talk to someone. Therapy has done a lot for me and, while it's not nearly the same as you and your situation, it had helped with my physical pain. My anxiety is crippling, to the point of being bed-ridden, and I was so deep in depression that everything hurt all of the time. I cannot fathom the pain you are feeling, but if there's a small chance that seeing someone might help I'd take it. And if that's not for you then turn always have me. I love you Caitlin. If you need to get away for a weekend you can come here. Its not a real vacation but it's a change of pace. ❤ you can always text me or message me on fb. I love you to the moon and back.
Thanks guys... I really appreciate it. I'm okay. I'm going to go see the pain management specialist, my physical therapist, and a therapist, I believe. I just have so many hoops to jump through to get the care I need since it all revolves around a car accident. Sigh. I love you both.
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